Expectations from loved ones sabotages courtship
It’s extremely easy to fall to the expectations of everyone around you, embody their beliefs, and develop sabotaging expectations that will lead to courtship anxiety. When people you value openly discuss their experiences, how your love journey should be, or default to their fears around marriage not succeeding your brain naturally captures every bit of information and stores it for future use. Overtime, if new experiences and beliefs don’t counter the existing ones then a definite contract gets created with the faulty belief. You now see these expectations as a fact.
So many men and women I’ve worked with for matchmaking suffer from embodying the expectations of others. They feel immense pressure to get married and to make it happen now. Their patience, understanding, and ability to build real attraction and connection struggles because they’re constantly replaying thoughts and patterns of what their courtship should look like, according to others. If their love story has taken its own path, they become extremely anxious and attempt to control the outcome before the courtship can flourish into something beautiful and real. Meeting and marrying someone who is a true match for them turns into a bigger struggle than it has to be, not because they’re not meeting matches, but because of the beliefs they’ve taken on. This is what motivated me to create the Match Society, in order to assist people with understanding how to attract, feel confident, and master courtship on their terms.
Here’s an example 1:
Your best friend married at age twenty and now has been married for fifteen years. They believe meeting your partner should be easy because she married someone from a local family, which her parents were familiar with, and they’ve grown through marriage together. She didn’t have to travel outside her community or try any new resource. Her friends introduced her to a peer she’d seen around the masjid and within two months they were married. Now, you believe you shouldn’t have to do anything to meet your partner other than show up at your local masjid and someone should volunteer to introduce you to someone, and if they’re not ready to marry you within two months you’re ready to move onto the next courtship.
You’ve witnessed courtships your friends have been abruptly ended and some have even been ghosted. As you’re getting to know someone any gaps in text responses, phone calls, or appearances triggers anxious feelings that the one you’re interested in is no longer interested. You begin to overthink everything. Did you say something wrong? Have they met someone else? Will I not hear from them again? Your thoughts spiral and deep down inside you fear not being worthy of their attention and that they must not really like you.
When others experiences and expectations for your courtship causes you to avoid or become anxious in relationships, you have to make the decision to break the contract with those expectations. You are creating your own love story, no one else’s.
Don’t let others place their expectations on you when it comes to marriage or relationships, especially if they’re not assisting you with the process.
If the people around you are creating stress with their expectations or giving you negative thoughts and creating a lack of confidence, it’s time to change your tribe. Take a break from those who aren’t supportive of your path.
Accept that everyone has to go through a process to learn and better themselves. No one will escape this part of the path to marriage.
Leave us a comment below. How do you deal with expectations from others?