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Journal and pen to do the exercises and log your progress. Some actions may require access to a phone or computer.
Quiet space and time to complete the exercises. Each should take 15-60 minutes to complete.
Journal and Pen to log and keep track of progress.
Meditation and Prayer. I would highly suggest to take 5-15 minutes before every exercise to meditate and or pray to clear your thoughts and mind .
Aromatherapy is great for connecting to your feminine energy and relaxing into the exercises. (optional)
Binaural meditation beats to relax and assist with concentration. (optional)
Support. You may need additional support as you go through this course. Participating in the private Captivating Courtship club group is a private outlet for program members. You can share your experiences, thoughts, and questions in the group.
One of the most effective tools I’ve personally benefited from that has changed my personal and romantic relationship has been embracing my shadow self. It’s how I learned to reconnect with my most authentic self, manage emotions and defensiveness that may have triggered reactions in relationships, and feel more complete and adjusted in my natural energy. Embracing your shadow self is the second key to attracting the right relationship for you and changing your courtship experience.
Psychiatrist Carl Jung believed the shadow self describes the qualities we hold shame, guilt, and neglect around. Our conscious mind creates our persona which we use to make it through life day to day, while our subconscious holds the shadow. These qualities we possess are parts of us we hate to admit exist. From the time we’re born, we’re constantly shown whether directly or indirectly, what parts of ourselves is considered acceptable. This can be due to culture, society, religion, or other subtle hints we pick up and store along the way that certain aspects of ourselves aren’t preferred. Something as small as a glint of disgust from someone will signal we have an unlovable aspect of ourselves. We also develop shadows around talents, skills, and interests in childhood that molds us into the teens and adults we are today. We shine a light and expose the parts of ourselves to the world that has been complimented and seen as good, while placing the parts of ourselves deemed as bad or unacceptable into the shadows. Hiding and disconnecting from our shadow self gets in the way of our authenticity. We leave behind and mask a great portion of ourselves that makes us complete and whole.
Personally, I believe this is why people believe opposites attract or people seem more mixed matched than they really are. What’s really occurred is they’re seeking their shadow self, someone who has some of the dark qualities they wish to ignore about themselves. Often feeling triggered by this person’s so called bad behaviors or dark side because it’s a reflection of their own.
The inadequate parts of you also seeks validation on a subconscious level. You haven’t embrace your whole self therefore you’re looking for someone to validate they parts you deny. This will always lead to feeling you’re not enough for the courtship or marriage you’re in.
We tend to hide our shadow self as long as we can, but the reality is that won’t last forever. It’s a part of who we are and eventually will surface, often in the worst manner. You will find yourself overly emotionally reactive when criticized or confronted about your shadow traits. Unlike the bad qualities you’ve embraced, you’re less likely to react when they’re mirrored or pointed out but instead you’ll respond to them maturely by feeling less triggered.
Let’s say you’ve always prided yourself on being an emotionally strong person. You’ve received tons of compliments saying you’re very logical and well balanced when it comes to your feelings, and you’re always a shoulder to lean on for others who need sound advice. However, you know when no one else is around you’re extremely emotional. Often experiencing states of depression, anxiety, crying, or moments where you react to your pain in emotional fits. Since you’ve developed a mask around displaying your emotions, and you see this mask as a good thing, you continue to move through life with dual emotions. Your conscious persona is very logical and direct while your shadow breaks down in tears or rage at the thought of what someone has expressed. In the moments when you’re forced to face your emotionally reactive shadow you find yourself highly disgusted with that side of yourself. When meeting your mirror person or potential partner, if they’re emotionally reactive you’re suddenly emotionally triggered and react to their behavior which deeply disturbs you and more than likely you’ll want to change. You’ll project your shadow onto them until you have fully embraced your highly emotional self.
Your dark side, and all of the parts of you you’d hate to admit having or the experiences you wish to ignore show up in relationships, causing you to project those feelings onto others out of frustration with yourself. Although there may be some truth to your feelings, if emotionally triggered and finding yourself unusually upset by another person’s actions or traits, it may be a sign of something you need to address from within.
John feels his wife only cares about money. Whenever she mentions bills or finances he gets extremely reactive or upset. Secretly, John hates that he doesn’t have enough money to provide for his wife and it makes him feel inadequate. He thinks and cares very deeply about finances, even though he acts as though money doesn’t matter. John is deeply in debt and has no clue how to get out of the hole so he denies money being a major factor in life. In order to own his shadow around financial inadequacy and confidently improve his finances, John must embrace his debt, make a plan to increase his income, and admit that he values money. Once he does that he can have open and direct conversations with his wife about finances, guilt free.
Jane finds herself highly upset whenever a man she’s interested in expresses how important sex is in a relationship. She believes they care too much about sex and she can’t find a good partner because all men want is sex. However, she has yet to embrace her past sexual activity and inability to court without sexual engagement. She blames men every time she engages with sex and if the relationship sours it’s because sex is all they ever wanted. Jane has to embrace her sexual past and admit she values sex a lot more than she’d like to admit. By doing this, she gains power to set boundaries and conquer her sexual urges or step up more intentionally with marriage in order to satisfy her pleasure.
Your shadow brings up feelings of being unlovable and blocks the confidence to be seen. In my years of matchmaking I’ve seen this plenty. Whether it is match profiles, online sites, or singles events, many struggle with feeling comfortable with being seen. Deep down inside they’re terrified of rejection and don’t believe there will be anyone for them, so why bother? The parts of themselves deemed as unlovable unconsciously blocks them from positioning themselves for the mate they desire.
When we project our shadow onto others we find ourselves reacting to aspects of ourselves we have yet to deal with, rather than responding to the person or situation at hand. You may avoid approaching a partner because they’re too materialistic, but secretly you wish you could afford the things they have. You may feel someone interested in you is unattractive due to weight, however, you struggle with your own insecurities around weight and they remind you of yourself (there’s no way anyone would love you at their size although you’re relatively in the same weight range.)
TURNING IT AROUND
We will begin embracing your shadow by revisiting your inner child. This will be a big shift in how you show up in courtship and attract the perfect partner, and most importantly maintain the relationship instead of self-sabotaging it.
By embracing your shadow you’ll have a new found sense of self and feel more authentic and whole. You’ll no longer need someone to complete you, but to compliment you. Sabotaging low-value behaviors such as neediness, self-doubt, avoidance, lack of vulnerability, or being highly reactive will shift. Power and balance will be restored. Now, you will have the ability to appropriately respond to your mirror persons or situations without the deep emotional triggers.
Even more importantly when it comes to courtship, by embracing your shadow you will be able to trust yourself more and stop settling for low-value relationships. This will lead to great intuition, self-awareness, decrease in anxiety and the ability to self-soothe. No more seeking validation from those you don’t feel good enough for or those whom reflect childhood trauma from a parent. Clarity and intention will increase allowing you to attract the right partner for you.
Take 5-15 minutes to mediate and pray before starting these exercises. Answer the questions in your journal. You can use binaural beats or aromatherapy as an option to help you to relax and recenter for clarity. You need to be as honest as possible. Dig deep.
Exercise 1 - Photos of younger you
When was the last time you deeply looked into the eyes of younger you? How often do you examine photos? Do you keep photos of yourself close by? Find an image of a younger you. This should be an image of you before teen years. Before the shame, hurt, pain. Before failed relationships. If you’re unable to find a photograph then deeply remember the image of yourself in a ten minute meditation. I highly recommend using this picture for the remaining of the thirty days or longer as your screen display or phone lock, that’s what I did. You can also use it as your desktop wallpaper or display it on a desk or somewhere where you’ll make regular contact with the image.
Spend a moment meditating on this image of you. Stare deeply at this photo and don’t resist any emotions that arise. If you need to cry, let it out. If you feel pain, breathe. If you feel joy, release it with a smile. Just focus on connecting with the emotions you feel when you look at your most authentic self.
What do you feel when you see you?
What emotions arise?
When was the last time you looked at you?
Remember to place this photo nearby or as a screen display. You will learn to appreciate and grow closer to this image of yourself. Whenever you feel weak or your shadows emerge you need to connect with your inner child. Looking at this photo regularly is a consistent reminder of who you are deep down inside.
Exercise 2 - Underlying fears
Take a moment and meditate on your inner child.
What are your inner child’s underlying fears?
Take your time and meditate on these fears around self worth, love, relationships, being seen, and abandonment. Don’t think too deeply about them. The moment an emotion or feeling arises, feel it in it’s entirety. Acknowledge those feelings.
Exercise 3 - Letter to inner child
Take a moment to focus on the image of little you.
Reflect on teen and adult you. The many lives you’ve experienced with the internal spirit you’ve been blessed with.
What are moments you’ve felt deep pain as a child?
What traumas did little you experience?
Did you feel neglect?
Did you abandoned?
When or who made you feel unseen?
Were you allowed to express that pain?
Using your non dominant hand answer these questions in your journal. Don’t think too hard about it. Anything that surfaces write it down. Read and ponder over the responses.
Are these feelings and experiences being reflected in your relationships you’re attracting?
With your dominant hand, respond to your inner child in your journal. This is deeply important to heal your inner child that’s causing you to react to emotional trauma from childhood. The wounded child requires dialogue to heal. Tell them they are loved and you’re sorry. Apologize. Empathize. Validate your inner child’s feelings.
Exercise 4 - Emotional & Criticism triggers letter to inner child
Your inner child reacts, instead of responds, when they’re triggered by trauma and shadows.
Strong reactions are usually projections of the shadow self. These shadow triggers gives others power over you due to not owning these shadows. Creates a strong sense of low self worth and are self manifesting of bad experiences.
Embracing these triggers will release shame and increase radiance
When do you feel criticized?
Think about your inner child, when were times they’ve felt rejected or criticized?
How do you feel when you feel criticized?
How do you react when you feel criticized?
Using your non dominant hand answer each of these questions in your journal. Then, using your dominant hand respond to your inner child. Let them know it’s okay to have these qualities. Embrace them.
Exercise 5 - Playtime hobbies
Reconnect with authentic you to show up more confident, energetically charged, and whole.
Reflect on the image of you from the previous exercise.
What types of things does your inner child love to do?
What makes your younger self happy?
What gifts and talents did they have that may have been left behind?
Did you abandon parts of yourself to become cool or acceptable?
You need to make playtime for your inner child to connect with your authentic self.
Using non dominant hand create list hobbies, talents, and things that makes your inner child happy, starting with, “I like to…”
Find time weekly to make time to play. This is important to feel confident and like your authentic self. To connect with your proper energy. To feel relaxed and release anxiety.
Proceed to week 3